Richard Talapoughton was reading the Sunday paper and flipping through the lonely hearts column. He was just checking the ads – for a friend of his. It was a valuable way of finding potential mates for those whose social world had been artificially constrained by contemporary urban life in the Monkeyverse and the demands of modern primate employment practices. However, he knew that personal ads were also used by all sorts of criminal primates as con artists, banana thieves, fraudsters, and worse to find and lure victims. He definitely had to be careful.
The first one that caught his eye was: "Offering at least a bunch of bananas with a (maybe slightly) older daughter who looks a lot younger but otherwise doesn't have great assets. Unfortunately, she has a professional background and would not be of much help around the house. To my great shame she is interested in many things except in sports. Well, if you, dear stranger, are interested in taking that daughter from a tortured father and keeping her for at least the next 50 years, I consider adding another bunch of bananas or a whole box of pineapples! Sincerely, the poor father. P.S. A passport photo would be nice as a deposit." Richard hesitated at the mention of the bananas and pineapples, but ultimately shook his head – it sounded like a complicated family situation.
Next, he read: "Attractive lonely female millionaire wanted by a former millionaire monkey for the rest of his life in loving togetherness. I am a very well-groomed monkey businessman and offer you everything you desire, except material things." For a brief moment he thought a wealthy female was searching since the ad had started so strangely, but he had little use for a penniless male monkey like himself. At least theoretically, after all he was looking for his acquaintance.
Another advert, unrelated to him, caught his attention: "Seeking a young female for housework, shopping and marriage (with garden parties, briskets on a skewer, salads and banana bread)." The text ended with the statement: "The parents are self-reliant." It seemed that the connection with the elders was an important aspect of a relationship, perhaps Richard should point that out in his ad – purely hypothetically, of course, because he didn't need any. The one beside was also rather odd: "I'm placing this ad against my better judgment, but the last time I listened to my better judgment, it told me the only way to find a well-read, articulate male is hiding in a trash can outside of his tree habitat until he got home from work, then lunging on him as he struggled to enter his home." No, he shouldn't answer that, it struck him as rather strange.
The next one was looking for a female monkey again, so it didn't concern Richard, but he liked the way the ad was structured. Everything important was in it: "I am Mr. Right! You are Miss Distinct Possibility. Your parents are Mr. and Mrs. Obscenely Rich. Your Uncle is Mr. Expert Banana Tax Lawyer. Your cousin is Ms. Spare Apartment On A Caribbean Hideaway That She Rarely Uses. Your bother is Mr. Can Six You Up A Fake Passport For A Small Fee." Though he had no use for a fake passport, Richard guessed.
An announcement on the last page caught his attention because it was huge, taking up half the page: "This big personal ad costs a lot of banana coins. Needless to say, we're going Dutch on our first date. Looking for an attractive male – preferably with restaurant vouchers." Unfortunately, Richard – and neither did his friend – had any restaurant vouchers.
A week later, Richard Talapoughton also placed an ad – for his friend. Knowing that honesty was the most important thing, it said: "I am looking for a female partner. Appearance is not important. Must be tall, slim, and attractive."
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