Affe #220

About Affe mit Waffe Deprecated

Garwian scowled at his roommate, Jonathan Q. Apebuckle, a lanky, clumsy orangutan. Jon had eaten everything again and left nothing – it wasn't the first time this week. He had done that on purpose to annoy Garwian. In fact, Jon should know better: Garwian was usually offended for at least a week afterwards; he would ignore Jon and punish him with silence. He had no alternative since Garwian also knew that complaining wasn't effective and, in the end, he would be called a cantankerous fellow. Garwian wasn't cantankerous, maybe a little grumpy from time to time or he could be called hangry. He didn't feel like bringing up the subject of food with Jon at all, since the explanation would be Garwian's weight again and that Jon had only done him a favor and removed the temptation. Garwian had heard enough excuses.

Actually, he couldn't blame him either, after all, Jon grew up on a farm with 25 cats and that had to result in some serious consequences. Visiting Jon's parents, who were still farming monkeys, was always an adventure. And Garwian shouldn't badmouth others either, after all, he was born in an Italian restaurant. Hence his love and obsession for Italian food, especially lasagne and pizza – and said lasagne had vanished without a trace. It was nothing new that he and Jon were at odds – actually, Garwian was more surprised that he was still living with this simple-minded monkey.

If he had to list Jon's weaknesses, he wouldn't know where to start. For example, Jon was unable to properly date a female primate. Watching him, Garwian could only shake his head. It started with his bad taste in clothes. Anyone who saw his closet would think that two hundred moths had committed suicide in it. He had ties that even the "geek police" would order to throw away. Well, if the lady hadn't bolted at first sight and stood up to his general awkwardness and ridiculous pick-up lines, Jon's lack of social skills didn't make the situation any better. His eccentric interests ranged from collecting stamps to measuring the growth of his toenails to watching movies featuring polka ninjas. Garwian would be surprised to see a female who had common sense and found this attractive at the same time. And Jon's family was no better: Coming from a farm with few amenities, on his last visit his father brought a rooster to wake him up in the morning and regarded indoor plumbing as advanced science.

Jon, in turn, disapproved of Garwian's ignorant mindset and "don't care, not interested"-attitude. He would often encourage his roommate to be aware of the world around them, sometimes stating an interesting fact, or asking a philosophical question in an attempt to prompt Garwian into thought. Though Garwian usually dismissed this with a cynical but logical remark. However, Jon didn't pull any punches either. He once joked, "I wouldn't say Garwian is fat, but the last time he got on a Ferris wheel, the two monkeys on top starved to death." Garwian bared his teeth at the thought of that comment, knowing that he was a bit bulkier, but he was harder to kidnap like that. It was malicious gossip that the owner of the Italian restaurant where Garwian grew up had sent him away because he had to choose between accommodating Garwian and his appetite or keeping his restaurant. It was also not true that Garwian ate everything indiscriminately, he hated raisins and spinach for example – even more than Mondays and spiders. Admittedly, he wasn't picky about the rest. And perhaps he had a contempt for any form of exertion or work – breathing should be enough exercise.

But slowly a nagging feeling crept into Garwian that maybe he should make it up with Jon after all. His friend Pooky pushed him into it too and he thought a lot of his opinion. Garwian decided to listen to his teddy bear Pooky and get along with his owner like a well-behaved pet should be – otherwise it would only be cat food tonight.

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