Affe #228

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Charles Surilington believed that every monkey could climb. However, he quickly realized that this ability was on the one hand strongly inversely proportional to one's own body weight and on the other hand was primarily related to trees. Being able to climb in general did not mean that you could climb a mountain easily. Perhaps he took on a bit too much when he decided to climb the Eiger, a 3,967-meter mountain in the Swiss Alps, as his first act. He was impressed by the Eiger as it was the symbol of the local mountain region and featured a remarkable almost 1,800-meter-high north face of rock and ice called the "Eiger North Face" – the largest in the Alps. Good thing he had exercised at least a modicum of common sense and, seeing that monstrous north face, decided not to push his luck any further than he already was and aimed for the west flank. At the moment, he generally felt that the idea of climbing the mountain was a pretty idiotic one.

Charles was a merchant monkey with little to no mountaineering experience. Unfortunately, he wasn't good at holding his liquor either. A few weeks earlier, he had an appointment with a group of important clients. After a dinner with an aperitif, lots of wine and a digestif, the conversation turned to hobbies. Judging by the course of the conversation, mountaineering seemed to have become a popular sport in the Monkeyverse. Seeking to flee the grinds of civilization, primates began scaling previously unattainable peaks across the continent, more for pleasure than scientific exploration. The first mountain handbook was published a few decades ago and dealt with climbing beyond the snow lines of the Alps. Back then, however, mountaineering was considered foolish, and few monkeys had ever attempted it. In any case, Charles was glad he had followed most of the book's advice, like taking some heat packs with him, otherwise he would have his bananas in the form of ice cream every night.

But back to the evening when all this misery began. At dinner, his customers talked about their experiences in the mountainous heights. One monkey mentioned a mountain called Mount Disappointment. It was so named because the monkey explorers who first reached its summit found the view subpar and wanted to reflect their feelings in the name they chose for it. Another mountain was called "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu", which translates to "The summit where Tamatea, the primate with the big knees, the slider, climber of mountains, the land-swallower who traveled about, played his nose flute to his loved one" and impressive in spite of its name, the mountain was only 305 meters high. And then, as it had to happen, Charles was asked what he thought of the pastime. Charles, obviously drunk, naturally gave a positive opinion that seemed to be based on a great deal of experience. Another monkey happily asked him which mountain was his favorite. Charles racked his brains for names of mountains. He knew nothing about mountains, the last thing that came close to a mountain was a Swiss cheese his wife bought last week that had a mountain on the packaging, so he said "the Eiger". Judging by the silence that followed his words, he realized he had made a mistake. Suddenly he was much more sober again. He got admiring looks from the other monkeys at the table, and to cover his embarrassment, Charles promised to show pictures of his planned ascent at the next dinner. The business deals that evening were particularly successful. Back home, however, Charles discovered that no monkey had ever made it to the top of the Eiger and that this mountain, due to its north face, was considered one of the most challenging and dangerous ascents and the "last problem" of the Alps.

In retrospect, Charles should keep his promise: Before the next business appointment, he showed his clients pictures of his ascent of the Eiger – but not in person. More precisely, the newspapers published it. Adorning the covers was a large color photograph of Charles Surilington, wrapped in thick blankets after being rescued by the mountain monkey search team. He was sitting next to Barry, a Saint Bernard who had found him half frozen in the ice, with a glass of hot rum tea in hand.

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