Affe #229

About Affe mit Waffe Deprecated

Norris McWoolabey had always been an outstanding primate. As a student, he excelled at monkey rugball, apeball, monkey hitball, and chimp soccer. His athletic ability was matched only by his interest in the facts and figures surrounding these sports. For this reason, after a short time as sport journalist, he set out to use his talent and provided newspapers, encyclopedias and advertisers with facts. The fact-finding business brought him a lot of satisfaction, but despite all his efforts it was not lucrative.

But his fate was to change when he met Sir Hugh Babooneaver, the Managing Director of Gibboness Breweries. Sir Hugh had been out on a butterfly hunt in the northern valleys of the Monkeyverse. However, he had not managed to catch a rare butterfly, the great blue hairstreak. He got into an argument with a lepidopterologist over which was the fastest butterfly in the Monkeyverse – the great blue hairstreak or the green skipper. As the discussions seemed to go nowhere, Sir Hugh and his compatriots attempted to settle the debate after a brief drinking break with a few pints of "mind enrichment liquid". More soothed by this, they came to the conclusion that the question was impossible to answer and that this was an educational gap in the Monkeyverse. There was no reference work to settle disputes of this kind. What was needed was a book that would set records for both primate achievement and the extremes of the natural world so that apes could drink their beer in more peace with each other. Luckily, one of his employees knew just the right monkey for the job – Norris McWoolabey. Norris had previously helped the brewery to determine the maximum number of beers a monkey could drink before a bathroom break was necessary – it was 21.

Henceforth Norris was commissioned to compile "The Gibboness Book of Monkeyverse Records". The book became an instant hit and was continued in an annual edition. For all areas, the work became the gold standard in terms of the precise requirements and the manner in which a record attempt should be conducted and recorded. The first issues focused on facts and achievements. It clarified important questions such as the furthest distance a gorilla could throw a consenting talapoin, or the number of bananas a monkey could stuff into its mouth at the same time or eat in one minute. After that, the following editions dealt with record achievements by individual primates: For example, the tamarin world record for the longest mustache or the proboscis monkey with the largest nose. The wide variety of areas in which records could be achieved, and the associated glory of being mentioned in the book, spurred some monkeys to extraordinary efforts. A tiny squirrel monkey performed the most rotations in a minute while hanging from a drill from the ceiling – 237. After that, however, the medical team had to spend ten minutes turning the poor monkey in the opposite direction. A gorilla trying to open as many coconuts as possible with his head in under 60 seconds managed to split open 29 shells before collapsing from a concussion. Two tamarins announced they were setting a new record for the longest breath hold underwater. They were disqualified when it dawned on Norris that their strategy was to have one keep the other under water at all costs until they succeeded.

For some, however, Norris would have preferred to be able to stay away from the record attempt. The loudest burp ever made by a primate reached a pitch of 107.0 decibels. This volume was comparable to hearing a jackhammer from a meter away. Norris never wanted to experience anything like this again. Contestant Zac managed to break a Gibboness record by opening 35 soda cans in one minute. The only issue was that Zac was a macaw, and the committee disagreed on whether the record should be attributed to the bird or its owner. In the end they both got the credit as the monkey had helped to hold the cans. One ape had been particularly stubborn over the years and Norris would almost call him his personal stalker based on the frequent encounters. The fellow had managed to be the most mentioned in the book. He had set more than 600 records in total and was still holding about 200. He could walk around with a lawnmower on his chin, jump on a pogo stick for hours, and push an orange with his nose for a mile, just to name a few. Meanwhile, the book's editor even had a standard text for this participant and would just copy and tweak it a little each time.

Even Norris McWoolabey himself had managed to earn his place in the book. He was the monkey with the most extraordinary memory, which enabled him to answer all questions related to entries in the "The Gibboness Book of Monkeyverse Records".

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