Affe #233

About Affe mit Waffe Deprecated

Bryan Doucurand's fame in the Monkeyverse in no way did him and his life's work justice. His achievements saved a nation of young apes, and he could rightly be called the founder of an entire generation. If anyone had bothered to write his biography, he would surely mention his most striking discovery, which made long winters more comfortable and allowed monkeys to have a balanced meal with minimal effort. Before Bryan showed up, these were serious issues. For that portion of the primate population living in colder climates, winter typically meant a diet consisting primarily of cabbage mixed with nuts and frozen bananas or other fruits and vegetables. Preserving food and preventing spoilage was a serious problem. While little apelings were big fans of banana nice cream in summer, enthusiasm for cold mashed bananas quickly waned in the winter months, and parents tried in vain to convince their offspring that cabbage was a good substitute and a great everyday ingredient.

The other benefit of Bryan's invention was perhaps less severe for the subjective well-being of the monkeys involved, but nonetheless extremely important for this particular group: single males. Based on research conducted by the monkey scientists, these apes' diets consisted primarily of sugary foods and beverages that were not perishable. On the one hand, this fact made them largely independent of the season. On the other hand, not just the doctors, but every other half-read primate of the Monkeyverse agreed that this wasn't the healthiest lifestyle.

The average single male monkey between the ages of 18 and 35 consumed during the week: 7 ripe bananas, 5 overripe bananas, 4 rotten bananas from the previous week that were usually fried to cook them through and mask their flavor a bit, 5 bottles of Colobo Cola , 5 servings of Mr. Monkey's Sugar-Coated Fruit Loops, 4 Talapoin Twinkies, 2 bottles of high fructose corn syrup, 3 packages of pineapple chips, and at least a six-pack or two of the Monkeyverse's most famous dessert, Mandrill-O. Bryan knew this pattern all too well, being a single male 28-year-old monkey. However, he was determined to change his relationship status – although easier said than done. A lifetime of unhealthy eating couldn't be offset by mixing some cabbage with the fried bananas. As a busy salesmonkey, the time-consuming planning that went into preparing healthy food kept him from making intended lifestyle changes.

To solve the problem, Bryan set out to find new ways to preserve food. Up until this point, monkeys had considered the pinnacle of innovation to tie two coconut halves filled with food back together. Coconut containers were often neither marked nor clear about the possible storage time. Such a container was usually said to keep food fresher "for longer" – everything beyond that was speculation. However, Bryan very quickly found that vessels made of glass, ceramic or steel were easier to seal and, above all, an airtight seal was possible. Heating by boiling the entire container in a water bath massively extended shelf life and was critical to preventing spoilage. In addition, the contents remained tasteless during this process, since cooked coconut containers always led to watered-down dishes with a clear coconut shell note due to the leaky seal. But sealing was only half the problem, the method of reopening the container was quite another. Much trial and error later, Bryan at least knew that cement, for example, was not a good solution. The probably permanent sealing of a home-cooked banana dish of his great aunt was a painful reminder – and he would use the concrete block in his next house building project. He achieved the best results with screw caps, rubber seals or simply sealing the tin can by connecting the lid to the body.

In the end, the invention of the tin can brought another unexpected benefit. For the first time, single male monkeys were able to shine with what appeared to be home-cooked meals without being immediately given away by the taste of coconut shells. Pursuing this theory further, one would surely find that Bryan Doucurand helped facilitate a whole host of new partnerships. But that was no longer important to Bryan, happily engaged as he was.

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