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AS a typical Reform voter, retired on ill health with a pension largely spent in Wetherspoons, I understand these crypto billionaires. I wouldn’t want anything back either.

When I give to Reform – there’s a lad comes around The Ferry Boat in the afternoons, he’s got the right colour tin, pretty sure he’s genuine – I don’t ask for anything in return. My reward is the glow of doing what’s right for Britain in the coming race war.

I’m not asking Nigel for a knighthood or a seat in the Lords in return for my quid. All I want is a government that puts pensioners first, kicks out anyone who wasn’t here when I was growing up and puts The Black and White Minstrel Show back on Saturday nights.

Not because it’s right for me. I’m doing it for these young ones, who should be made to do national service with all their tattoos and ‘Can you order off the app instead of coming to the bar please.’ It’s in their best interest.

These crypto lads are the same. They just want their country, which they don’t currently live in but would if didn’t have the wrong government, to be better. They’re thinking of us.

So I believe them when they say they’ll be getting nowt out of it. What could they want? Rich people aren’t greedy. As patriots they’re sharing their wealth with their country to help steer it the right way for its citizens. You know, the white ones.

And if Nigel is elected, which he definitely will be this time and I know I said that last time and was wrong but this time it’s different, and he decides to institute a low-tax regime, bring back non-dom status and make us a crypto haven?

Then he’d be doing that for the whole nation. How do you put your savings in crypto, anyway? I asked at the post office and they had no idea. Bloody liberal conspiracy.

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